For one of Britain's best swimmers last year's Olympics were a let-down but a year on she is keeping her head above the water
On a beautiful summer afternoon Fran Halsall stretches out her legs, waggles a flip-flop at the end of her tattooed left foot and looks ahead to this month's world championships by suggesting that "Loughborough is almost like Barcelona today". A throaty cackle accompanies her sunlit comparison, for Halsall senses the start of her renewed life as a competitive swimmer. She flies to Barcelona next Monday in the mood to win a world championship medal and with the knowledge that, whatever happens during her 50 metres freestyle sprint, she will move further from the darker shadows of last year's Olympic Games.
The first anniversary of London 2012 is closing in on Halsall with almost suffocating intensity – and she needs a deep breath before revealing her scars. "I'm still dealing with it, and I will have to continue dealing with it, because it's not going to go away, is it?" Halsall admits. "I'll probably never get over the fact, or get it completely out of my head, that London was something I'd worked hard for over so many years. I didn't get what I'd been hoping for and it's taking a long time to come to terms with that."
This is the stark flipside to fuzzy nostalgia for last summer's Olympic glory. Jessica Ennis and Mo Farah, Chris Hoy and Bradley Wiggins, are still feted for everything they achieved in London. Yet, as always in sport, the winners' enduring delight is very different to the lingering hurt of those who lost.
A year ago, while she secretly nursed an injured shoulder, Halsall appeared to be a realistic contender for gold in the 50m and 100m freestyle, where she was ranked world No2 and 4. She also had an outside chance of picking up a medal in each of her three other events. Halsall avoided discussing a potential five-medal haul and concentrated instead on her desire to win just one gold. The rest of us enjoyed the fact that she could talk wittily about Aristotle and kick-boxing, fashion and philosophy. Halsall seemed on the brink of stardom.
The outcome was bruising. She reached four finals but two fifth places were the closest she came to a medal. Her face still clouds at the memory and it is not surprising to hear her speak of the need for help in the bluesy aftermath. "My new coach, James Gibson, has put me in touch with a good psychologist. James has been through it himself because he went to the Athens Olympics in 2004 having won the world championships [in the 50m breaststroke] the year before. He was expected to do really well and it didn't happen. So he understands and he's been a godsend in helping me get mentally right.
"James worked with Steve Peters [renowned for his sports psychology work with Hoy, Victoria Pendleton and GB's track cyclists] and Steve came on board. Sarah, a psychologist who works for his programme, has been helping me. She's now working with the [GB] athletes over the road so I've been very lucky that I see her once a week. It was pretty hard at first but it's given me a different outlook. Sarah asks simple questions about what I want from swimming every day. I say: 'I just want to enjoy it.' She's like: 'Well, what's stopping you?'"
Peters believes that negative emotions are represented by an inner "chimp" who, if not controlled, can totally undermine an athlete. How is her chimp on a sleepy afternoon in Loughborough? "He's in check!" Halsall exclaims. "But he'll come up with something – I'm pretty sure of that. It's all about accepting that it's OK sometimes to feel down as long as you put things in place to talk it round. I was always more focused on the end result and London defined that more than anything else. Now I've realised there's got to be life after London. I'm only 23 – it can't be the be-all and end-all. I never used to enjoy training so much but we've only got four people in our group so it's a small, compact unit and really good fun. That's important because, if the outcome doesn't go your way, at least you'll have enjoyed the process."
This time last year, despite Halsall injuring her shoulder in May and relying on injections to help her return to training, she attempted to remain buoyant. "I thought if I'm going to the Olympics I don't want any excuses. So I tried to convince myself that everything was fine. It wasn't. But I can honestly say I've never tried as hard as I did in those Olympic races. To make the finals and get close to a medal wasn't bad. Maybe, one day, I can tell my kids and feel more proud of myself.
"The 50m free was my best chance and I gave it my all. But when I touched the wall [in fifth place] it was one of those moments when you just don't know how you're going to deal with it. I still had to do the relay and I tried not to get too emotional. But, afterwards, I just broke down."
The dejection intensified and Halsall concedes that, "I found it hardest the week after swimming because I stayed to support [her boyfriend] Alastair [Wilson who played his second successive Olympics with the GB hockey team]. Everyone else was excited about the rest of the Olympics and I just felt flat and low. I didn't know if I wanted to stay but I kept telling myself that in 10 years I'll be gutted to have missed that experience. So, yeah, it wasn't fun. But the only way you can get over it is by thinking of what other people go through in real life."
Halsall avoided all the celebrations as well as the parades and parties. It sounds a lonely place amid national euphoria. "I felt bad that I was so low during such a great Games and when so many British athletes were doing well. So I didn't go to the parade or the garden party. I didn't think I deserved it."
Even when she and Wilson escaped to California, the shadow of London still hung over her. Yet it's a sign of Halsall's contrasting good cheer today that she says: "Alastair had decided to get his tattoo of the Olympic rings so everywhere we went people came up to us and said [slipping into an American accent]: 'Oh my God, you went to the Olympics!' We couldn't get away from it. Alastair got the tattoo on his ribs so we'd be sitting round the pool, chilling out, and Americans always want to chat.
"When he told them he played field hockey they'd lose interest. But then he'd point to me and say: 'She swam!' They'd get really excited and say [Halsall slips into a wild Californian voice]: 'Oh my God! Did you meet Michael Phelps?' Agh! Thanks Alastair! It was a good holiday, being away from all the post-Olympic stuff, but I'd still think about it and get sad. Alastair and the GB men came fourth and, as he is grumpier than me, I thought he'd struggle. But he was more there for me than me for him."
Halsall first met Wilson at the Beijing Olympics in 2008 and it was then that she acquired her own tattoo. "Look," she says pointing to her bare foot, "it's the British lion. I always said if I won an Olympic medal I'd get the rings as a tattoo. I'm holding out until then!"
Her long-term goal has switched to the 2016 Rio Olympics, for Halsall believes she is now in a position to immerse herself in a new way of training and racing. Resurgence occurred during the world short-course championship in Istanbul last December when she won silver in the 50m freestyle behind Aliaksandra Herasimenia – who finished second in London. Halsall only entered this one event as a way of rekindling her love of swimming.
"Funnily enough, I never thought once of retiring. It took me a long while to swim again but when I decided to get back in the pool having the world short-course was a real help. Redemption for the Olympics is four years away so you can't stay angry all that time. So having one little goal was good and when I got silver I was so happy. Sometimes you have to give yourself a pat on the back."
The world championships in Barcelona provide the next step for Halsall and, having decided to take a break from the blue riband 100m freestyle for a year, she will swim the 50m free and butterfly races. "The first thing you get back is your speed and I'm ranked third in the world now in the 50m free. I'm spreading my workload and I'm excited about the fact that I'm in a position to swim fast. I had my injury problems at London and before the last worlds in Shanghai [in 2011 when she finished fourth in the 100m freestyle] I was coming back from ankle surgery. This is the first year when I'm thinking: 'This is worrying! Nothing's wrong with me!' Hopefully, I won't fall down the stairs."
Halsall should have a realistic opportunity to win another world championship medal in this more important long-course event. She laughs and makes exaggerated speech marks in the air: "'Could' is the word. In the 50m it comes down to hundredths of a second. But I feel positive and in good shape."
At the UK trials Halsall swam faster than she had done at the Olympics – recording a time which would have won her silver in London. "Yeah," she groans. "At Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago I also swam a 50 free and I'd done weights the week before and I didn't really want to be there as I was racing a bunch of 12-year-olds. But I ended up swimming faster than the Olympics again. That was the first thing I thought when I got out the pool. I need to get it out of my head."
Halsall is optimistic about even competing at the 2020 Olympics. "I'll only be 30," she says. "Marleen Veldhuis [the Dutch swimmer who won bronze in the 50m free in London] is 34 and she's had a baby. After Rio, if I want a family my coach is saying, 'Brilliant. You can do a couple of thousand metres every day with your bump and then we'll guide you through to the 50m in 2020.' So after Rio I might become a 50m powerhouse."
As sunshine stretches across Loughborough in hazy patterns of heat, Halsall turns her Olympic introspection into a more hopeful perspective. "I have changed and I've got a better outlook now. I don't think London 2012 defines me as a person any more. I can obviously swim faster than that, and I will improve a lot. I also no longer take it for granted coming here every day. I'm doing something I love and I've embraced that. I've also changed in the way I don't put the same pressures on myself every day. It's a shame it took something so drastic to learn these lessons. But, when it comes, success will feel all the sweeter." Reported by guardian.co.uk 2 days ago.
On a beautiful summer afternoon Fran Halsall stretches out her legs, waggles a flip-flop at the end of her tattooed left foot and looks ahead to this month's world championships by suggesting that "Loughborough is almost like Barcelona today". A throaty cackle accompanies her sunlit comparison, for Halsall senses the start of her renewed life as a competitive swimmer. She flies to Barcelona next Monday in the mood to win a world championship medal and with the knowledge that, whatever happens during her 50 metres freestyle sprint, she will move further from the darker shadows of last year's Olympic Games.
The first anniversary of London 2012 is closing in on Halsall with almost suffocating intensity – and she needs a deep breath before revealing her scars. "I'm still dealing with it, and I will have to continue dealing with it, because it's not going to go away, is it?" Halsall admits. "I'll probably never get over the fact, or get it completely out of my head, that London was something I'd worked hard for over so many years. I didn't get what I'd been hoping for and it's taking a long time to come to terms with that."
This is the stark flipside to fuzzy nostalgia for last summer's Olympic glory. Jessica Ennis and Mo Farah, Chris Hoy and Bradley Wiggins, are still feted for everything they achieved in London. Yet, as always in sport, the winners' enduring delight is very different to the lingering hurt of those who lost.
A year ago, while she secretly nursed an injured shoulder, Halsall appeared to be a realistic contender for gold in the 50m and 100m freestyle, where she was ranked world No2 and 4. She also had an outside chance of picking up a medal in each of her three other events. Halsall avoided discussing a potential five-medal haul and concentrated instead on her desire to win just one gold. The rest of us enjoyed the fact that she could talk wittily about Aristotle and kick-boxing, fashion and philosophy. Halsall seemed on the brink of stardom.
The outcome was bruising. She reached four finals but two fifth places were the closest she came to a medal. Her face still clouds at the memory and it is not surprising to hear her speak of the need for help in the bluesy aftermath. "My new coach, James Gibson, has put me in touch with a good psychologist. James has been through it himself because he went to the Athens Olympics in 2004 having won the world championships [in the 50m breaststroke] the year before. He was expected to do really well and it didn't happen. So he understands and he's been a godsend in helping me get mentally right.
"James worked with Steve Peters [renowned for his sports psychology work with Hoy, Victoria Pendleton and GB's track cyclists] and Steve came on board. Sarah, a psychologist who works for his programme, has been helping me. She's now working with the [GB] athletes over the road so I've been very lucky that I see her once a week. It was pretty hard at first but it's given me a different outlook. Sarah asks simple questions about what I want from swimming every day. I say: 'I just want to enjoy it.' She's like: 'Well, what's stopping you?'"
Peters believes that negative emotions are represented by an inner "chimp" who, if not controlled, can totally undermine an athlete. How is her chimp on a sleepy afternoon in Loughborough? "He's in check!" Halsall exclaims. "But he'll come up with something – I'm pretty sure of that. It's all about accepting that it's OK sometimes to feel down as long as you put things in place to talk it round. I was always more focused on the end result and London defined that more than anything else. Now I've realised there's got to be life after London. I'm only 23 – it can't be the be-all and end-all. I never used to enjoy training so much but we've only got four people in our group so it's a small, compact unit and really good fun. That's important because, if the outcome doesn't go your way, at least you'll have enjoyed the process."
This time last year, despite Halsall injuring her shoulder in May and relying on injections to help her return to training, she attempted to remain buoyant. "I thought if I'm going to the Olympics I don't want any excuses. So I tried to convince myself that everything was fine. It wasn't. But I can honestly say I've never tried as hard as I did in those Olympic races. To make the finals and get close to a medal wasn't bad. Maybe, one day, I can tell my kids and feel more proud of myself.
"The 50m free was my best chance and I gave it my all. But when I touched the wall [in fifth place] it was one of those moments when you just don't know how you're going to deal with it. I still had to do the relay and I tried not to get too emotional. But, afterwards, I just broke down."
The dejection intensified and Halsall concedes that, "I found it hardest the week after swimming because I stayed to support [her boyfriend] Alastair [Wilson who played his second successive Olympics with the GB hockey team]. Everyone else was excited about the rest of the Olympics and I just felt flat and low. I didn't know if I wanted to stay but I kept telling myself that in 10 years I'll be gutted to have missed that experience. So, yeah, it wasn't fun. But the only way you can get over it is by thinking of what other people go through in real life."
Halsall avoided all the celebrations as well as the parades and parties. It sounds a lonely place amid national euphoria. "I felt bad that I was so low during such a great Games and when so many British athletes were doing well. So I didn't go to the parade or the garden party. I didn't think I deserved it."
Even when she and Wilson escaped to California, the shadow of London still hung over her. Yet it's a sign of Halsall's contrasting good cheer today that she says: "Alastair had decided to get his tattoo of the Olympic rings so everywhere we went people came up to us and said [slipping into an American accent]: 'Oh my God, you went to the Olympics!' We couldn't get away from it. Alastair got the tattoo on his ribs so we'd be sitting round the pool, chilling out, and Americans always want to chat.
"When he told them he played field hockey they'd lose interest. But then he'd point to me and say: 'She swam!' They'd get really excited and say [Halsall slips into a wild Californian voice]: 'Oh my God! Did you meet Michael Phelps?' Agh! Thanks Alastair! It was a good holiday, being away from all the post-Olympic stuff, but I'd still think about it and get sad. Alastair and the GB men came fourth and, as he is grumpier than me, I thought he'd struggle. But he was more there for me than me for him."
Halsall first met Wilson at the Beijing Olympics in 2008 and it was then that she acquired her own tattoo. "Look," she says pointing to her bare foot, "it's the British lion. I always said if I won an Olympic medal I'd get the rings as a tattoo. I'm holding out until then!"
Her long-term goal has switched to the 2016 Rio Olympics, for Halsall believes she is now in a position to immerse herself in a new way of training and racing. Resurgence occurred during the world short-course championship in Istanbul last December when she won silver in the 50m freestyle behind Aliaksandra Herasimenia – who finished second in London. Halsall only entered this one event as a way of rekindling her love of swimming.
"Funnily enough, I never thought once of retiring. It took me a long while to swim again but when I decided to get back in the pool having the world short-course was a real help. Redemption for the Olympics is four years away so you can't stay angry all that time. So having one little goal was good and when I got silver I was so happy. Sometimes you have to give yourself a pat on the back."
The world championships in Barcelona provide the next step for Halsall and, having decided to take a break from the blue riband 100m freestyle for a year, she will swim the 50m free and butterfly races. "The first thing you get back is your speed and I'm ranked third in the world now in the 50m free. I'm spreading my workload and I'm excited about the fact that I'm in a position to swim fast. I had my injury problems at London and before the last worlds in Shanghai [in 2011 when she finished fourth in the 100m freestyle] I was coming back from ankle surgery. This is the first year when I'm thinking: 'This is worrying! Nothing's wrong with me!' Hopefully, I won't fall down the stairs."
Halsall should have a realistic opportunity to win another world championship medal in this more important long-course event. She laughs and makes exaggerated speech marks in the air: "'Could' is the word. In the 50m it comes down to hundredths of a second. But I feel positive and in good shape."
At the UK trials Halsall swam faster than she had done at the Olympics – recording a time which would have won her silver in London. "Yeah," she groans. "At Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago I also swam a 50 free and I'd done weights the week before and I didn't really want to be there as I was racing a bunch of 12-year-olds. But I ended up swimming faster than the Olympics again. That was the first thing I thought when I got out the pool. I need to get it out of my head."
Halsall is optimistic about even competing at the 2020 Olympics. "I'll only be 30," she says. "Marleen Veldhuis [the Dutch swimmer who won bronze in the 50m free in London] is 34 and she's had a baby. After Rio, if I want a family my coach is saying, 'Brilliant. You can do a couple of thousand metres every day with your bump and then we'll guide you through to the 50m in 2020.' So after Rio I might become a 50m powerhouse."
As sunshine stretches across Loughborough in hazy patterns of heat, Halsall turns her Olympic introspection into a more hopeful perspective. "I have changed and I've got a better outlook now. I don't think London 2012 defines me as a person any more. I can obviously swim faster than that, and I will improve a lot. I also no longer take it for granted coming here every day. I'm doing something I love and I've embraced that. I've also changed in the way I don't put the same pressures on myself every day. It's a shame it took something so drastic to learn these lessons. But, when it comes, success will feel all the sweeter." Reported by guardian.co.uk 2 days ago.